good evening all,

just wanted to reconnect with my blog after a rather long hiatus

this is also a test to see if blogspot still works

i have missed writing and plan on working towards sporadic musings

until then,
kel

madrid

it happened so innocently, so quickly
to see into another's heart
i only wish to remain in your gaze
to know what i've been seeking lives in us

alas apart and unable to communicate in a lover's way
longing for the next embrace
wishing for the end of december

what shall i call you
my ghost of affection and desire
left with emotions of a churning state
give me the hope of a future and i will wait

a piece of my heart will hold you forever
if only for those moments
i'll have known pure love

heat

my stranger appeared last night
in such a big world, who could comprehend
time passed but held you in a space
and kept your feelings a secret

friendly banter led to suggestion
ideas turned the conversation inward
deep admissions revealed a spark
interest kept the night lit up

my ears are warmed by your words
the smile on my face is forever
heartbeats skip and race
now that you have become my force

captivated by the thrill, the rush
the excitement cannot be explained
missing the unknown
and soon is not enough

definition

friend, a person known well to another and regarded with liking, affection and loyalty

benefit, something that improves or promotes

commitment, dedication to a cause or principle...an obligation, responsibility or promise that restricts freedom of action

so let's discuss the "friend with benefits" line that most men openly use as their goal

i may not be worldly or highly intelligent, but i do get a sense of what the overall definition means

so why are men interested in intimate encounters using this description?

to me, an evolved female, i believe this to mean a loyal, affectionate person with whom you engage in (promote) mutually agreed sexual play with the purpose of a continuing scenario (all of which i have yet to consent to)

why can't they accept those terms? what dictionary are they using?

my only explanation is they (and i mean men) are cowards...using this line implies what they believe to be the correct phrase to attract women...however, they don't want any friendship beyond the immediate benefit to them due to an overwhelming phobia of commitment of any description...in other words, sexual gratification on their terms

so this would help further my understanding that their version of friend means nothing personal, benefit is selfish gain, and engaging/commitment is simply when it's convenient for them

maybe this is why all those feeble excuses for men are not yet married (or in a relationship), or worse yet, are without the moral commitment to their current partner yet looking for that extra "friend with benefits"

women (and i mean you), pause for thought ladies!

disappearance

the wound opened again
fresh blood to feed the fear
just a matter of time
before the story starts anew

too many open spaces
enough for you to fall through
what do i hold onto
when you turn the page

sadness comes in waves
trust washes away
in the remaining
life becomes a stone

aches creep in the shadows
while daylight fades
comfort cannot be found
it is the time of grief

disappointment

a gush of colour
determined the fate
a pang of guilt
realized my failure
a well of tears
washed my grief
a shared conversation
conveyed the loss
a shower to cleanse
purged my soul
a rest in peace
restored my energy
an evening of youth
distracted my thoughts
a new day tomorrow
brings hope for us both

flutter

simple gesture from within
tiny flip of hope
with a moment of peace
visions of the future
joyous occasion
patience will prevail

new life

at first sight
i knew it was real
ectasy found
surprise unfolded
touch reaffirms

days of loving
evenings of passion
mornings of you

memories to relive
dreams to carry
be by my side
together evermore

whispers

how the evening slipped by
a different path taken
my heart raced
to the sounds of suggestion
and details clearly shaping your thoughts

sleep did not last
my mind did wander back
imagination takes hold
take me along tonight

unsettled

to sit and watch from afar
they creep without sound
they arise from no where
and demand all attention

even with a balance
joyful banter in between
they take what's important
and offer nothing in return

descending, i sometimes see them
rob us of the light
wait or excuse them
they offer no recompense

sorry that follows
seem to fall short
the explanation not enough
while the giant swing waits

patience and understanding
nod it off as time
learn to love the moments
that exist above the falls

unsure of their invitation
they overtake the scene
leave me wondering how they came
and moved so beyond

what is...

a second lifetime to share....

sense of humour to overcome the missed steps
emotions to express love
support to build trust
intelligence to learn from
honesty to rely upon
stability to feel safe within
carefree to worry less
spontaneity to keep alive
equality to share the load
independence to allow growth
confidence to know you belong
wisdom to guide
discipline to follow through
affection to fuel romance
compassion to value compromise
respect to treasure another
friendship to nurture the soul
optimism to move beyond obstacles


if i think of more, i'll be back

a start ...(from mid july 06)

the door does open
romance, sharing, respect, patience
all sit gracefully
waiting to be acknowledged
magnetism draws you
with a chance to welcome

longing has been ignited
vision is guided by hope
surface all emotions
contentment appears to float

there you are amidst all that you treasure
revel and indulge in the possibility

sunday evening...

the warm glow of the day has not left
although alone, i vividly recall his presence
the muscles in my arms remind me i need to practice again
and that's not soon enough
*********************************************************
so little sleep
it must be a dream
come to me, never leave
i can wake forever next to you

ten

hello sweetheart
our time is borrowed
we can laugh and share
for just a few minutes longer

marketing holds us hostage
endure the pattern
the sound of your voice will carry over
the persistent gaps in between

some words were unspoken
others known to be true
life is your laughter
held in ten minutes of joy

beauty in words

i've known all the words and they've become fulfilled
intensity over distance rises to glow with each encounter
a new word is joined to enrich the smile between us
i recall each reward to deal with the pangs of reality
the venue restrains my nature's impulse as circumstance delays gratifcation
i will live through beautiful words and dream as the intimate language amazes my time


why does it take a stranger for us to appreciate ourselves?

untitled

on quick glance
intuition grabs hold
venture taken
answered in kind


steps embraced
crimson thrill
stroll into the night
comfort in the sounds of paradise

convinced of possibility
await the signs of you

Island Storm

You fucks are all the same
If the cartwheels impress,
oh a bit of spot light
but only out of convenience.

Again, why do we put ourselves out
only to be rejected?
what good is such bad behaviour?
how many knocks does it take?

I've let myself down
and over what?
possibilities ...
good grief, it's endless.

If the interest was truly there
so wouldn't the enthusiasm?
don't hold your breath
but count just in case you're surprised!

The world sleeps
and I'm watching
left out and ready to surrender
what kind of optimist is that?

This one's for Nick

A story.

I am a woman. I am the passenger in a vehicle travelling down a lonely stretch of highway. To my left, my friend is driving a car with manual transmission. The vehicle is a 1965 Mustang. It's a work of art. Although I know nothing about the engine or inner working specifics, I am visually stimulated by the things I can see around me. The exterior is vibrant orange and the interior is gleaming black leather. It's a bench seat with stitching in close parallel lines of dashed black thread. The dashboard consists of dials ensconced in the dark wood panel frame. The steering wheel shines of chrome steel surrounded by the sleek, circular fit of black leather. The am/fm push button stereo is set to a station oozing of rhythm and blues music. We sit silently absorbing the desert scenery passing by. I can feel the force and vibration of the engine underneath me. I am enjoying my ride.

Even with the sun setting and the windows rolled down, the temperature in the car is still too warm. Another hot night of sleep ahead. The kind of sleep where you wake with sheets clinging to your damp skin. The kind of night when your energy is drained by the humidity. Somehow the night's discomfort is not in my forethought. I glance over at my friend. She is beautiful. The sky's dusk light is luminating her radiant skin.

I can't help but notice the slow beads of sweat glistening on her bronzed skin, her brow, her cheek, her neck, her cleavage, her exposed midriff and thighs. The clothes she's wearing accentuate her lines and damp skin. I can clearly see the profile of her breasts beneath the close fitted crop top she's chosen. Her ribs sit closely to her skin only to narrow to her small waist and rounded belly above the shorts she wears. I am aroused by the sight of her. I smile and turn my face to the side mirror to avoid eye contact with her. Looking into the side mirror, I see the beads of sweat above my upper lip. I casually brush them with my finger and can't resist the taste of my body's salt. Mmmm, the salty sensation is enlivening.

HERE

Times bring us here
what an interesting place to be
Life is close
I am sitting, looking, living near
Not part of any sphere.

It appears I must be here
A void exists and scrapes at the edge
I am conscious, breathing, hearing neil
Just outside my reach.

All the bastards will ignore you here
the grasp becomes so difficult
I am hoping, wishful, anticipating
Worry consumes the spectrum.

Is it possible to hear
those voices stretching out across
Without face, I am disappearing
Find me lost, but here.

Who was he?

Last night, while waiting for my friend, I looked at a man who was smiling back at me. Oooh, it was one of the moments you want to capture. Desire, definitely. He even included me in the conversation he was having with his two friends. What an idiot I am! I should have introduced myself and found out his. I know he is a musician. I will remember the time 6:55 pm, Tuesday evening, Broadview station! I want to return next week just to see if he is there! Instant connections are amazing. I wrote this poem based on last night.

The rain won't stop
my heart is calling for you.
I have to capture this moment
so I can remember you.

Guitar in hand
waiting for that ride
connection met
and there I went.

Your smile caught me twice
and yet you did not stop.
You spoke to me
sharing a conversation.

Amazement stems from irony
the clothes I wear are not all my own.
His smell is there
and I only want to know you are.

Jeez, I am a romantic, hopeless. I really do want to be swept off my feet.

Sitting here, waiting

I figure this is simply a waste of my time writing about my boyfriend angst.

You know the drill. "Can I phone you tomorrow night?" And,... nothing. Bad Boyfriend Syndrome. I doubt this will ever evolve, but I look forward to some sexual encounters to fill the void.

The holidays are just around the corner. Everyone is sorting out the wheres and whens. My ex and I have tentatively come to an arrangement for time we will spend with our daughter. I'm looking to hook up with my friends during the break. My family will only be together Christmas Eve and Morning. The rest is still out there, however, I do know I will be with those friends on New Year's to help celebrate the occasion.

There are so many little things I should be taking care of beforehand, but the time and energy seem to slip away so quickly. My daughter and I have ventured into the world of holiday baking. To me, it's the most personal and economical way to treat the people you care about in your life. My patience level is not quite so high when working around an enthusiastic five year old. I never realized how much my mother put up with when we were small. And why am I so lacking in kitchen gear to accommodate our undertakings?

It's quiet and after my bedtime. I will doze and awake for yet another overloaded workday with many errands to accomplish before my next sleep. I look forward to the moment when I can just say "whatever" and sit and stare at the television without invested interest.

Get some rest, it will be here and around us in no time.

Am I a bad woman?

Before any of you answer, let me put the same question to you.

Yes, he phoned, finally. No, I do not have high hopes. He would like to me to consider the trip north this weekend to see him. He has been made aware that I have two offers this weekend. That and he would not be welcomed to join me in my other weekend destination. I let him know most are not impressed with his treatment of me or of our relationship.

He realizes his transgressionS. He wants to improve upon his communication skills. Umm, I bet this will last about two weeks before the same behaviour pops up again. He tried to use the adjustment period crap, I remained silent, an acknowledgement of my disbelief. He told me he's been thinking about this all week, well then, why didn't he take action? Thinking is not going to win back your girlfriend. Simply saying he was planning on going to go to Kingston (yeah, right!) is a poor attempt at my forgiveness.

The conversation continues. Asks me what I think about his child moving back in with him. I told him my feelings don't matter with this respect. He persists. I say it will be awkward. He tries the humour card and says I can watch his daughter manipulate him, it will be entertaining. I don't find that funny. Why should I be moved if I observe another female get what she wants/deserves from him? I haven't received any special attention of late or if rarely.

Oh yes, money will be a concern this weekend if he does not receive a forthcoming cheque. Yup, well he had more than enough over a week ago. Maybe some of the habits are interferring with living one's life!

I know you are cringing out there.

I am considering the trip up there. Pathetic, maybe, but I need to see if I feel anything good about him. The last time we kissed, it was not satisfying. It lacked in emotion. My optimistic nature and hopes for all people to improve or shine is pretty strong. He has assured me he will continue his momentum and call tomorrow night.

He didn't further his case by taking my daughter's father's side in a discussion. What the hell! Like he needs to add to his shitty status and back the asshole. Profanity is not a strong suit with me, but sometimes...

So the novel will continue this week. I don't know if my friends will sway me to avoid him. I would like to hear your opinions.

Something to sleep on.

My weekend was good

This is meant to be a big thank you to my family and friends who helped me get through this past weekend.

My heart needed some attention and you were all there doing just that in your own unique ways.

Special thank you to Samantha, who out of the blue, from Australia, called to chat. For over an hour we wandered through the last year of our lives and reconnected again. I miss her dearly.

I'm assuming things are over. I have not heard a word from him. I believe the term used was "chicken shit". You've blown another one. And what an excellent opportunity you've missed out on.

You ladies out there really cleared some of the mess cluttering up my mind.

Huge guy was delightful. I clearly needed to let out some personal stuff and you sat back and listened. It will be my pleasure to do the same for you in return, maybe over some Thai dishes.
Decompression has begun. I think a short nap may be in order.

Thanks again.

A heart less filled

Are we all destined to hurt? Couldn't we just get the whole lot over and done with by age, like, 30, 35. My capacity to love and cherish are truly untapped. Yet I've been led down the rosy path only to have been disappointed with my choices and consequences. He so doesn't know how great I am for both of us. I flourish when love is returned in a free, uncomplicated style. I am left to tend to my feelings of distrust and disillusion. I have patience and a giving nature. Why isn't that enough, for anyone? Fool. I feel okay, really, just a bit numb. I almost don't care. The hoops are there if he wants to try. Such an optimist. Just let go, girl!

Montepulciano

ooooh, my aching head

Don't drink this red, it will mess with your brains the next morning. I'm not one for a hangover, but this stuff is hurting me.

And I haven't heard from him yet. So now my outlook on this is even a little less rosy.

My daughter is my light. She's so excited to be at Grandma and Grandpa's. She burns with amazing intensity. She's up first thing this morning and looking to wake Grandpa, no matter how much he wants to sleep. He's promised an outing and her impatience grows as the clock ticks on.

Looking forward to seeing some more of the kin, especially baby O. I'm here to pick up a bracelet I put aside in late August. I adore sterling silver. Wonder if they ever have sales at Sterling? And maybe just maybe, I will get the chance to see my cornstock vets too.

ooooh, my eyeballs

Never again.

The recent scoop or so it melts...

Okay, he finally says "I love you."

You are on top of the world. Except tonight the sense of elation is quickly dashed with his quiet, tired, I'm not that excited, gotta sleep attitude. What happened?

He didn't feel the need to go to work today. And what does that means to me? He was up too late professing is undying love and need of me therefore requires the entire day off to rest up! What the hell!

He just needed a mental health day. Okay, but if you slept most of the day, why not spare some more minutes with the one you so love and discover her reactions and desire to hear you and your voice again.

I'm getting the distinct impression that this is the "come here but go away" game. How can I consider life changes with this kind of lack of consistency?

I just spent the best part of my evening talking to a super person, who gave me insight and time to yap. She made my excitement more real and my doubts less of a concern. Should this not be what a mate provides?

I am so groovin' her new love interest. He wants to make her happy and take care of her. Where is that for me? Not tonight for sure.

I will not be falling over myself, once again, to contact him. I totally appreciate the exhaustion thing, but hey, you've just launched yourself into a new space. Why are you not wanting to explore and get excited about this new path?

I am pissed off. I am fed up with being so up and not having that same care about my well-being returned. Shit. Love sucks. Thank you J. Geils Band.

I am looking forward to having the weekend away and seeing my family. He should be so fortunate to meet my circle of support! They have and always will be there for me.

Not to mention, I may be seeing my extended support group this weekend while I'm away. There is unconditional love elsewhere.

Are you even aware? Did you think about me today or not seeing me this weekend?

Good night my love. I wish you were near.

An offer to share skin...

Oh, out of the blue, the young man is offering to stop in and check me out, me!

If he'd asked in August, I'd be saying yes in a blink. Now I've got to decide.

I want my new love to say I'm everything to him. That compromises are possible. That I should hold out for the best yet to come. And I hesitate for that wish.

Ummm. Interesting to say the least. When was the last time an offer so casual came your way? Hol, yours doesn't count!

Says he's rarin'. Happy to know that I still have a handful of hair to grab. Yum.

So why am I hesistating? Must be the hope. Then again why should I settle for what can be if he's not there already?

What's to say he'll even be here, for me.

Not a dilemma, just wondering.

Now what?

Jesus Murphy Bat Man. I don't believe it.

Just when I thought all was great, the cool reception on the other end of the phone happens.

Just when you need to hear that warmth of the weekend return to your ear, the language chills your hopes.

I am not going to phone any more. I needed to hear some kind words to help battle my evening. Why does he get all the empathetic treatment?

And another thing, I resent the smoking. Our clothing and gear reeks of it. And my little one shouldn't be exposed to me ignoring/tolerating it. Urrr.

All I can say is that I hope a good night's sleep mellows my temper.

Will that someone cherish me?

If you're going to give it all you've got, will that someone in return cherish you and your heart?

Scary concept, but with risk there comes unlimited joy or crushing sadness.

Am I at that crossroad again? I did hear my little girl voice shriek just a little at the sound of "if I were you, I wouldn't put up with a drunk calling in the middle of the night."

Was it the title drunk or just "putting up with a drunk"? Bill forevered ruined my view of what a man should be in your life. I have stopped thinking of him for many years now. I gave up on him well before that time. Flashes of my recent relationship history simply reflect my need to recreate him and hopes that I could have made it a better relationship.

I fully accept that people come with baggage, we all do. Just what are we willing to live with in our future relationships? I expect to find out sooner than later.

I've come to love a man who still hasn't revealed his true self. I want to be there in full, but that word or words may be the crux. His drunken bravado defies his shy nature and unspoken thoughts out loud. He truly values me.

My back feels a wall. The next meeting will melt some of the worry. His fear may be an outlet for me. Crummy thinking, but I must preserve myself before I dive. I have stated I don't want to go at this half assed, but I will reserve my emotions just a bit longer.

Friday and holding my breath

Why do men make us wait?

Cruel game or innocent way of life?

Well this one should know better. He didn't leave home at the time he said he was and then called again to say he was still about 50 mins away (very late really).

Now you've guessed it, I got bored and put on way too much makeup! The red wine is also sinking in nicely. No food to speak of, so a cheap drunk for sure!

I am so excited about seeing him again. We are going out to a concert tonight, but I don't even care about the live music. Sick, eh?

I only have one choice of outfit to wear so, that part of the decision process was easy. Holly knows which dress I'm going to wear. Oh those lovely and young Kingston men!

Eat your heart out mister late. You'll be watching this girl. So catty too!

I'm hoping to see one of the three amigos this weekend. She's in town and getting shakey!

Have a great weekend everyone.

The posts are awesome Kelly. Can't wait to get to know more about you too....

Love, Lainey

Geez another post party poem!

A glass to welcome
contents invite
greetings, musings
a moment to reminisce.

Taking turns to transform
a venture to the garage
ah yes, inhalation
emotions floating.

Vehicles to carry our crowd
unknown driver, uninformed
celtic destination reached
stroll into the grotto.

A promise of music
curiosities are piqued
the mission to secure seats
satisfaction is quick.

We've come together
a sharing of multiple spirits
unjudged and loved
blossoms in us all.

Too many to count
laughter is a sport
athletes excelling
groove to the beat.

A couple of new faces
round out the evening
home and more
dim the lights.

Dance 'till dawn you waywards.

hangin'

yup, i did it again.

partied with some of the veteran cornstockers and stayed up way too late!

i cannot recall just how many shots or drinks i consumed.

i danced my butt off, yippee, i love to dance. frees the mind AND you get to make a spectacle of yourself.

i'm learning more about my new friends. i like them. i have nothing to hide. they do not make judgements. where have these people been all my life? i'm thinking that maybe it's just the time in my life to be exactly who i am without defending myself.

spud is definitely a great dance partner. the similarities of our daughters is just way too weird. i wonder if the summers will ever meet? will they get along as well as we do?

the ladies were in fine form last night. they looked great. i believe everyone had a fantastic time. lainey and i did manage to score us all a ride home last night. thanks, to steve and alex. oh my god i drank way too much. i was a wreck for most of the day. thankfully my little one was so accommodating letting me sleep (even in short bouts) this afternoon.

now i will call my sweetie and fill him on the party details. i can hardly wait to see him on Friday!

The Fab Four. We danced all night Saturday until dawn of Seasar Sunday! 

We did it! All night! 

Strings are tugging

Just a little late night poem...


Such excitement, such anxiety
can myself accept another.
Without notions of worry
tears of the past
hurt in the future.
Turning and twisting between fingers of doubt.

It must be good, this life
this now and the dream.
Natural, longing, wonderment, ease
bring the gasp that was missing.
Share your skin with the knowledge
someone will always be next to you.

Worries fade standing in the sun.
Trees quiet the moment, water lulls the soul
and there you are, smiling back.

Fantasy can exist in the moment
you sit before me and beyond.
Breathe, deeply, clearly
drift, forever, safely
live, fulfilled, completely.

Wait no more
and the best arrives today.
Close your eyes
soak up the sun’s warmth.
Love is ready.